The very last chimney in the very last house that Santa visited on Christmas Eve proved to be just a wee bit too narrow for Santa and his belly full of cookies and milk.
If it weren’t for Blitzen’s quick thinking, using the emergency can of WD40 that was in the sleigh’s tool kit…well Santa might have been stuck in there until New Years!
With the maximum effort by 5 of the “worn out from flying” reindeer, they were able after 12 long minutes to eventually ease Santa up and out onto the roof of 8954B6 Changyang Palace Road and back into the sleigh.
Santa’s suit was ripped and smudged and Mrs. Claus would have to sew a brand new suit before next Christmas for sure!
Mrs. Claus knew it the moment Santa returned to the North Pole as she waited for him with a sugar-free hot chocolate…Santa ABSOLUTELY HAD TO go immediately on a diet!
Well…from January through November Santa didn’t eat a single snow cone, his favorite flavor being “Starlight” and he switched to Diet Cokes and ate lots of iceberg lettuce (without dressing…ah…salad dressing that is) and Mrs. Claus made him loads of snow peas but he couldn’t have even a taste of his favorite sandwich ingredients…cold cuts and North Polish Sausage!
Santa got just a tad grumpy but he did get less and less fat until he finally got onto the scale in November and he had lost so much weight that it didn’t even register on his “Special” Santa scale which was specially set to not count the first 150 pounds.
(It was a Christmas present from Rudolph.)
Santa went on his annual trip to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and not one single person recognized him and even after he showed his pilot’s license they wouldn’t let him ride in the parade. “Santa didn’t show up this year,” they all said, which of course made Santa doubly sad.
What to do?
With only 30 days to go Santa knew that he had to eat 26 meals a day in order to regain his Santa weight in time for his flight.
He hadn’t eaten 26 meals a day since he was young but if it was going to make him his jolly old self again…it was worth it.
The elves took on extra kitchen duties helping to bake the cookies and cakes and pies and making the ice cream and hot fudge and the whipped cream toppings….and well….just about everything that you aren’t supposed to eat…UNLESS you want to get fat!
Finally on the 24th of December Santa got back on his special scale and BROKE it!
What a smile Santa smiled! His belt was in the very last hole and his buttons were straining to stay closed…Santa was indeed back to his Jolly old self!
And Mrs. Claus heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight “On Dasher On Dancer…on Donner and Blitzen…let’s go get some cookies and milk!”

It was November the eleventh as I recall…or maybe it was the tenth, anyhow it was a Monday and I got a call from Santa. He was on vacation at his island house in the warm Pacific.
Oh…sorry I forgot to tell you…I’m The Easter Bunny, Eastern Cottontail specifically, but since the kids…I love kids....call me the Easter Bunny…well…I love it.
Anyhow, Santa called me. I thought it was some prankster at first…like Sammy the Squirrel, or Squeeky The Mouse, but after asking some questions I accepted that my caller was the genuine, authentic REAL Santa.
He said that he was calling a meeting of all the icons of kiddom (are there two D’s in Kiddom?) which of course included me. He wouldn’t tell me which of us he had called first,(just like Santa) and he said that he would send the sled around for me at 12:03 the next morning.
I’m not nocturnal like the Tooth Fairy, or even Santa but I agreed. So I set my alarm clock in the hutch and was showered and ready to go before Midnight.
Well, true to his word at precisely 12:03 there was a clattering of hooves and a crunch- never did find out what went “crunch”- and I popped out of the hutch and climbed aboard the sleigh.
Well…Molar The Tooth Fairy was aboard and we renewed old acquaintances.
I had run into her once at work(yes it’s a she)when Tommy Tucker couldn’t eat his supper after he bit into a roll and lost number 6 tooth (which coinciDENTly is the First Molar) on Easter Eve.
But I digress!
We exchanged stories on the ride down to Santa’s Island vacation house. Actually the Tooth Fairy is very nice even though her dress was a bit strange with all flowing ribbons and lacey trims…but actually when you think about it, the only one of us that kids actually ever see is Santa, so it doesn’t really matter what we look like or wear does it?

We arrived on the sandy beach in-between the palm trees with a perfect thirty-eight point landing. Santa was there all smiles with a cool pink frosty mug of punch in each hand and was wearing a brightly colored sport shirt and Bermuda shorts….neither of them red by the way.
Mrs. Claus was waving to us from the doorway, and we got off the sleigh, took a sip and went inside.
Santa invited us to sit at the big round table where Mrs. Claus had prepared a tropical fruit salad with extra lettuce for me.
“I thought we should have this meeting to discuss how we all might use our abilities to help kids and all folks to be even happier.” Santa said.
“I agree!” I agreed.
“We only get to “Do our Thing” once a year Santa, and Ms. Fairy only visits kids after they’ve lost a tooth.” I added…Santa nodding his beardy head in agreement.
“My point exactly Mr. Bunny!” Santa remarked.
Then Santa added “I’ll tell you a secret that only Mrs. Claus knows. Well…the Elves know too of course, can’t keep any secrets with them around.”
Ms. Fairy and I were all ears awaiting Santa’s confession. Some say I’m all ears ALL the time…but I digress again.
“During the year, when I’m not at the Pole or here on vacation, I put on my grey pinstriped suit and white shirt and navy tie and my black wingtip shoes and go down into the populated cities and towns of the real world and just kinda blend in. Act like a regular citizen don’t cha know.”
“Wow…that sounds like fun!” exclaimed Ms. Fairy.
“Yeah Santa…what a hoot!” I added.
“Anyhow…” Santa continued…”I’ll drop off a secret, very needed donation or put some money on the ground so a poor person can find it…or I’ll secretly fix something broken in the hope of making someone’s life easier and better.”
“What a nice thing to do!” Ms. Fairy and I both replied.
“Well…” Santa continued..”I think…”
But I politely stopped him and said..”I know…why don’t we all do that. Slip into the general citizenry and secretly help out and no one will ever know it was us. Then maybe it will catch on and lots and lots of folks will do good things without wanting to be thanked or rewarded.”
“You’ve got it Mr. Bunny!”
We all voted unanimously that day to start helping wherever and whenever we could without anyone knowing that it was us.
But what I haven’t told you is that the meeting that Santa called was many many years ago and you know…I think our plan is beginning to work better and better every year and…by the way…thank YOU for helping too.

Every day without fail little Becky would walk home at the end of her day in first grade at Dillon Elementary School past Bateman’s Hardware Store on Main Street and stop and look into the front window.
Oh, there were drills and table saws, levels and even red and green Christmas lights in the window but there was also, tucked into the far left corner, the most wonderful, beautiful doll in all of South Carolina standing up all alone.
It was already cold. It DOES get could in the Carolinas in December and Becky would cup her hands, lean against the thick glass, peer into the deep window, and stare at “her” Dolly until the fog from her breathing clouded the view. Then she’d back away, wipe off the window with her bare hand and peer again.
She had “visited” the Doll, named by Becky as “BESS” every day of the week. By Thursday even the shop owner Mr. Bateman noticed Becky’s punctual visits and came outside to say…” Yes! She really is beautiful isn’t she?”…and stood by also admiring the Pink and white frilly-dressed doll with the bluest eyes and curliest blond hair.
“She’s a beauty alright!” He would say to Becky.
Becky just nodded and quietly and softly said…”She’s the prettiest doll in the whole world!”
It was Friday. The last weekday before Christmas and after the final school day before the holidays, Becky again stopped by Batemans to visit “her” Doll.
Yes, the drills and saws and green and red lights were still there but “BESS”….WAS GONE!!!
Becky was stunned! She almost cried but then collected her emotions and thought to herself…”I….guess some lucky girl will have a most wonderful Christmas and I hope…that…Bess…is very happy in her new home.”
But as she thought those thoughts, a very small tear edged down her cheek as she slowly walked the rest of the way home.
Christmas morning didn’t quite have the same urgency for little Becky that year.
She had hung her stocking and left the cookies and milk for Santa and even given her last allowance to the Salvation Army but couldn’t completely put “Bess” out of her mind.
Becky’s Mom and Dad even had to wake her up that Christmas and invite her downstairs to see what Santa had left.
Becky wiped the sleep out of her eyes and quietly followed her joyful parents down the stairs.
Then as she focused on the beautiful Christmas tree, there, propped up on a small pillow and majestically placed in the very center was… BESS!

“The very last house too!” Santa had just extracted himself from the chimney on Christmas Eve when the motion detector set off the burglar alarm.
So there he was, munching his 267th cookie and 97th ounce of milk that night, when the entire Carter family, Mom and Dad and Jimmy and Sarah and of course, included were “Bark” the cat and “Meow” the cocker spaniel.
“Ah…Ho Ho Ho and all that!” said a very tired Santa who heard disgruntled and impatient hooves up on the roof.
When the Sheriff and his two deputies arrived, there were many apologies and wishes of Merry Christmas floating through the air.
“Wait…I’ve got something for all of you in the sleigh.” said Santa as he grunted his way back up the chimney.
A minute later he clumped to the hearth carrying an armful of Coca Colas and passed them around.
“The Coke CEO is a friend of mine! Train set when he was six.”
Then Santa gave out Best Buy gift cards to all. “Walkman, when that Chairman of the Board was seven.”
As Santa struggled up the last chimney for the last time this year, two deputies in the hearth, carefully pushing to assist, Sheriff Boyd called out “Happy Vacation Santa”.
“Thanks Calvin!” Santa’s voice echoed down the chimney.
“No one has called me Calvin since I was a boy!”

And that is another reason why Santa is SO COOL!

A gift at Christmas brings joy all around
After both getting and giving
There’s one thing I’ve found
It needn’t be perfect
It needn’t be grand
Nor be expensive
Or be the best in the land
The truest of presents is the thought that’s behind
A gift from an unselfish heart that is kind
The REAL present is when you begin to perceive
It really IS better to give than receive

“Eve Dear, have you seen this year’s Christmas list? I can’t seem to locate it.”
Santa was looking in all the usual places.
“Why no Snookums, I haven’t seen it since last December”…replied Mrs. Claus.
“Well that was last year’s “GOOD” list and things may have drastically changed since then.” Santa said, while accidentally overturning the ribbon bin.
“Perhaps one of the elves has it to get a count of how many of a certain gift to make.” Mrs. Claus suggested.
“No…Alphonso would have told me…but I’ll check with him anyway.”
Santa buzzed the workshop on his special phone which was a gift from the C.E.O. of A.T. and T. who never forgot that Santa had brought him the Southern Pacific train set one Christmas, when that C.E.O.’s parents were unemployed.
“Yes Boss…Alphonso here!” answered the senior elf.
Santa asked about the list but got no positive answer from the busy workshop.
“Oh my!” exclaimed Santa. “Without that list even very misbehaving children will be getting top shelf gifts and that would set a very bad precedent!”
“Maybe the children who KNEW that they were not really as good as they could have been during the year will appreciate the kindness and forgiveness if you treat them as “Good List” kids.” Mrs. Claus slyly suggested.
“Hmmm….well…it may come to that if I can’t locate my list.”
Santa resumed digging through the back of the closet under the red and white trimmed suits stored there.
It was WAY too late to compile a new list and it wouldn’t be fair to use last year’s list, so Santa just sat in his big easy chair and resigned himself that Mrs. Claus’ suggestion of gifting EVERY kid would be his decision for at least this Christmas.
And kids…that was YESTERDAY!
So…all of you kids out there that were not exactly on your best behavior this year, (and you all know who you are) will get a gift from the Jolly Old Elf this Christmas.
So my suggestion to you is to enjoy the benefits of a “Good List” kid and do your very best to earn your own way onto the list next year.
Because we all know that Santa isn’t going to lose next year’s list don’t we!

Santa was busily delivering his Christmas bounty of gifts to GOOD little girls and boys when, instead of going on to the Smith’s house, next on his list, he circled around the Jones’ roof where he had just been because Santa thought that he had forgotten to leave the red bike with training wheels that Tommy had asked for.
Santa saw his own footprints in the snow but he also spotted a small person with a bag similar to his and the person was wearing a mask!
“What’s this?” exclaimed Santa. “This person is following me and I do believe that they may be taking the gifts that I’m leaving and that makes Santa very angry.”
Santa hovered the sleigh and commanded the reindeer to be very quiet as he watched to see the “bandit” emerge from the chimney, looking all around to see if they were being watched.
But they didn’t look up into the sky where Santa was hovering and that’s when Santa swooped in to land right in front of the “bandit” trapping them between the sled and the Jones’ chimney.
“SO!” Santa yelled, startling the person.
“Exactly WHAT are you doing following me and raiding the houses that I’ve gifted?”
“I…well…I…just…” the would-be “Bandit” took off their mask as they spoke, and lo and behold it was a rather young woman who was speaking to Santa.
” I…was…just delivering these gift certificates to each house you visit in this neighborhood. I figured that if you visit a home there must be good and deserving kids living there and I wanted to make sure these worthy families received the food vouchers so that they can have an even better Christmas.”
“Well…I’m amazed young lady, but why are you wearing the mask when you are doing such a noble deed?”
“I didn’t want anyone to know that I left the certificates and not Santa…well…you, Sir.”
“Hmmm…I see…I think. That’s a wonderful and generous thing you’re doing, but I don’t think I should be given credit for something you did.. But…tell you what! Why don’t you ride along with me until you finish your generous giving?”
“Oh Santa, that would be wonderful!”
“And by the way, I recall leaving you that “Raggedy Ann” doll back a few years ago. You were a mostly good little girl “SARAH”, and you sure have become a fine young woman!”
Sarah, Santa, and the nine reindeer flew off to finish Christmas Eve giving that is the true spirit everyone should cherish and continue forever.

Santa and the elves were packing the Christmas toys into Santa’s great sack in preparation for his annual world flight to deliver gifts of joy to each GOOD little girl and boy.
The very first gift placed into the huge golden bag was a train engine that tooted, clanged, and puffed almost real smoke and that would make some little boy or even little girl very happy this year. Thomas was very happy, and honored to be the very first gift placed into Santa’s golden sack, and as he smiled and swelled his proud steam engine chest a basketball bounced and clunked him right on his smokestack head! “Ouch!” yelled Thomas…” that hurt!”
But before the basketball, an Official size and weight NBA genuine leather ball could respond, a play kitchen stove came tumbling in on top of them! “OOOoph” said the ball and Tommy yelled, “HEY…watch where you’re landing…that hurt!” Tommy asked the basketball “Didn’t that hurt you when that kitchen stove landed on you?”
“Naw!” said the basketball”…I get thrown around and bounced on the floor…all the time”
“Wow!” said the train engine I’ve got a headache already and here comes another new bunch of toys being thrown into the sack right on top of us!”
Well…Santa and the elves filled up the golden sack with thousands of toys…millions maybe and by the time the last toy was put on top of the sack, Tommy could hardly breathe and couldn’t move a wheel. The basketball was dented in slightly but was…well…having a ball!
Then the whole golden sack was lifted up and then Tommy had the distinct feeling of flying…then landing…then flying again…then landing again and this went on for hours. But at least the load of toys pushing down on Tommy was getting lighter and lighter.
Finally after what seemed like days, but was only hours…just the basketball and Tommy were left in the sack.
“I’ll see ya Tommy…I get off here…Billy Smith’s house I think…so Goodbye and have a Merry Christmas!”
Well Tommy was sorry to see the basketball go but now Tommy could breath easily and move his wheels all he wanted. Then Tommy felt a familiar white gloved hand reach down and grab him by his boiler.
“Ho Ho Ho…let’s go Tommy…this is your stop and my last one!”
Tommy got a quick glimpse of Santa and all the reindeer and the rooftop and then it was down the chimney and into the living room of Jimmy Williams a nine year old boy who was still fast asleep in his bed even though it was nearly sunrise.
“Merry Christmas Tommy” Santa said as he swooped back up the chimney.
Tommy was looking up at the beautiful Christmas tree when all of a sudden “Wow! Mommy Daddy…LOOK!!! Santa brought me Thomas the tank engine….the most wonderful present in all the world!”
“Yeah…said Tommy smiling but remembering all those toys crushing him in Santa’s Golden Sack all Christmas Eve “…and the very LAST one too!!!”

Most of you know Santa Claus is also named Kris Kringle, but I bet few know the real first name of Mrs. Claus. Well when she married our jolly friend (who by the way was quite thin and clean shaven at the time)and became Mrs. Claus or “Mother Christmas” as she is known in the United Kingdom, her first name was said by many to be either Mary…Jessica…Maya…or Carol…but I know the name that Santa calls her and it is none of those.
Almost all of the popular stories about Santa and Christmas hardly even mention Mrs. Claus who is the most important person of all to Santa. He always refers to her as “Dear” but he knows that her real name is….EVELYN. There…now you know.
Evelyn Krinkle…AKA Mrs. Claus. And just one thing more before I finish, and it is perhaps the best kept secret of all.
Santa says (and he is THE authority) that Mrs. Claus is the REAL Christmas “EVE”.

About the time that the North Pole elves gave Santa (formerly Kris Kringle) his famous name, Mrs. Kringle….ah…CLAUS told him that he needed a distinctive suit to wear on that special night.
All the elves and of course Santa agreed that it was a good idea but nobody…and I mean NO one could agree on the style and color.
Oh there were many suggestions about Robes and Parkas and even green tights…(that one obviously came from the Elves) and all agreed that there should be fur trimming too. (But NOT Caribou fur. Everyone, and especially the reindeer, which are actually caribou themselves, unanimously agreed!)
Being an excellent seamstress, as well as a VERY understanding wife, Mrs. Claus had a cupboard chock full of bolts of fabric in many colors, including in fact all of the colors of the rainbow.
Mrs. Claus held up samples of fabric under Santa’s chin to see how each color suited Santa’s coloring and svelte shape.
The Elves loved EVERY ONE, so of course their opinion was dismissed by Mrs. Claus (remember the tights suggestion?).
Well, the white fabric almost made Santa disappear…sort of North Pole camouflage…and that just wouldn’t do.
No green…that was an Elf color…and the blue…well…picture a giant blueberry if you will.
The yellow was pretty good but the Elves couldn’t stop snickering and muttering something about “The Lemon That Ate The North Pole”
After that… I’m sure you all can guess what the Elves thought of Santa in an Orange suit.
Purple?…”NO!” Santa didn’t even allow his wife to hold that fabric anywhere near him.
There was one bolt of fabric left…all together now…. that’s right…RED!
“What do you think?” Mrs. Claus asked Santa.
“Hmmmm”….hmmmm’d Santa. And as he looked around all the Elves were nodding their pointy capped heads and gathering close by Santa.
“Ah…yes I like…no…I LOVE it!” exclaimed Santa.
“Whew!” the relieved Mrs. Claus sighed, and then set about to make the famous suit that Santa is never publicly seen without.
And in spite of what one Elf whispered upon first seeing Santa in his new red suit…Fire Engines are VERY masculine!