“No “FOR SALE” signs. No Real Estate Agents. No Open House events with cookies and personal tours. (Love cookies by the way) But on the plus side, my new house will be free…NO MORTGAGE!”
Actually my “House” is more like a camper. I started out small with a shell previously owned by a snail. But I soon outgrew it and had to find a bigger one. I’m on my fifth home now and I’m getting a little cramped.”
“And by the way. I don’t mean to disparage molluscs, but some of those previous owner snails really leave a messy shell. I ALWAYS do my housecleaning when moving on.”
“Ah….there….over by the turfgrass. WOW…what a beautiful golden brown color with tiny dots of dark brown. Let’s see. Looks pretty clean in there. Has to be a caring Hermit crab.”
“UGH! Wouldn’t you know it. Just a wee bit too tight. That is indeed a shame. I loved that Metropolitan style of the shell. Oh Well…the search goes on.”
“But wait. There over by the path. That one isn’t quite as stylish but it is HUGE!”
“HELLO…Hello…hello” Man it even has an echo!” I’ll just do a walk through….Gosh it’s roomy in here.” I think this one is perfect…well, except for the dull grey color….but maybe that’s good for camouflage.”
“Oh I LOVE IT…I’ll just….WAIT….this thing is heavy….WAY too heavy. I don’t want to have to carry this load around all day and running? Forget about that!”
“Shame.” Well I guess I have to go to the last resort and see my former owner Mary. She released me back into the “wild” when she left for college.”
“Mary will be able to solve my “Goldilocks” problem.”
“How can Mary help you may ask. She sells sea shells by the sea shore!”

“Get the belt…I’m fallin’ down!” said the pair of trousers known as “Smarty Pants”
“Ok…OK…hold your shirt on…I’m gettin’ it!” Billy Smith was getting dressed to go out and play on a Saturday morning and he was trying to reach the hook holding his brown belt while holding up his pants, but had to let go to reach that far.
“Whoa! I told ya…umph!!!” Smarty was now crumpled around little Billy’s ankles and as Billy tried to take a step over to fetch his belt he fell flat on his face!
“See…if you would just do what I told you, this never would have happened!” scolded Smarty.
So Billy Smith, sitting on his bedroom floor threaded his new brown belt through the belt loops and pulled the trousers up as he stood…”There!”
“Too tight….ugh….that’s way too tight….you’re strangling me….use the next hole for that buckle!” Smarty was now struggling to even speak…being “choked” by the new belt.
“Ah…how about being quiet for once or….or…I’ll tighten it up even farther!” Little Billy was beginning to lose his temper a bit.
But, being the very kind boy that he was, Billy loosened the belt and Smarty breathed a sigh of relief but was still “panting” from the lack of oxygen.
Then as Billy opened up his shirt drawer the brown buttondown yelled…”HEY…pick me Billy buddy!”
Then the blue knit shirt screamed…”No…me….you picked brownie b.d. just last Tuesday…it’s my turn.”
Billy said…”OK…you are both so selfish I’m not gonna pick either one of you!”… and he chose a plain quiet white T shirt from the bottom of the pile.
Then Billy heard a commotion coming from the bottom drawer and when he opened it, all the socks were jumping around pointing their toes at him and waving their tops wildly…”Me…..no ME…..hey ….me!!!…”
Billy shut the drawer….took off his shirt, pulled off his belt and removed his pants and went back to bed!

“George!”
“Abe!…ah….6042A….I don’t think we’ve ever met before.”
“No…3088D..I don’t believe so.”
“George….how did you get that notch there near the corner?”
“Oh that….yeah….zipper nipped me as she pulled me out to pay for a balloon at the Dollar Store. LOVE THAT PLACE.”
“Zippers…yeah….why can’t humans stick to the soft old folding wallets?”

“Progress…I guess. I hate those vending machines too, though I will admit they do help with the wrinkles you know!”

“By the way, I saw dozens of new Franklins last week when I passed through the First National Bank. I kinda like the older versions of those bills that look more like us don’t you?”
“Ah…progress again….but yes we’re more…classic…traditional…Abe.”

“By the way…I don’t really like going through the Federal Banks. I’m always nervous that they’ll examine me and decide that I’m too worn to stay in circulation.”
“Oh you’ve got a long time before …ah….I hate to say it….but you know….the SHREDDING!”
“Let’s change the subject Abe…oh wait is she gonna?…..yep….well…see you again I hope!”
“You’re gonna be with lots of friends here at the Dollar Store….see ya! George.”

“Gosh it’s lonely in here now that George is gone. I hope we go to the supermarket. I love being in those cash trays with lots of other Lincolns.”
Then a new voice yelled out….”Hey….you’re puttin’ me in the wrong….oh no…..”
“What are you doing in here? You don’t belong here this compartment is just for bills, legal tender, CASH!”
“Listen, I don’t like it any more than you do Lincoln….Might as well make the best of it….I’m Visa but you can just call me “VEE”!

One afternoon Jenny was walking along a small stream that ran near her home when she spotted an animal leaning down and drinking from the river. As she drew closer it looked just like a small horse, a pony maybe, but something was different. Something was VERY different!
The horse was sorta pinkish and had, believe it or not, a horn growing straight out of its forehead!
Jenny wondered if this was a confused goat with only one horn or a pony which had somehow been born with too much of whatever it was that made hooves and wound up with that whitish horn sticking out of its head.
Jenny just stood there staring at the strange pony when it suddenly jerked its head up out of the stream and looked over in her direction. It immediately jumped up from its lowered drinking position and turned to run away.
“Don’t run away…please…please stay…I won’t hurt you…. I promise!”
The animal had run a few steps then stopped, then slowly turned to look back at Jenny. She could see its horn really well now in profile as the pony looked at her. They both stared at each other for the longest time. Jenny didn’t want to move, afraid she’d scare the animal into running away again and the animal was not sure if there was danger with the little girl that had called out.
Finally, standing perfectly still and not moving at all Jenny said in a calm low voice “What kind of pony are you?” I’ve never seen a pony with a…horn…like yours …’though it’s a VERY nice one!”
The animal looked around and continued to stare then slowly turned its head to fully face Jenny and took one small step closer to her. Jenny stood perfectly still. The animal looked all around again and then, looking right at Jenny said…”I’m a Unicorn!”
Jenny’s eyes grew large and wide and she didn’t blink for the longest time.
“I…I’ve heard of…you…” Her heart was beating so fast and so loud that she thought perhaps the Unicorn could hear it!
“I’m…lost!” the Unicorn said to Jenny in a soft sad voice.
“Where is your home?”
“Well…it’s up the river…or maybe down the river…but I’ve forgotten which way. It was dark when I left…well…actually RAN away!”
“Why…Oh my…why did you run away from your home?”
“Some…people…not really very nice people were going to take me off to the city.”
“What about your parents or…ah…your owner or whatever you had…?”
“I don’t know what happened really. One day those people just came and tried to rope me and they had a van and all…” A large tear fell out of the Unicorn’s eye and it put its head down…”…so I ran away! I’m a VERY fast runner…but…I guess my sense of direction isn’t the best!”
“Oh Dear…that’s not nice of them at all!”
Jenny walked slowly up to the animal and gently put her hand out to pet the Unicorn. The animal startled at her first touch but then let her stroke its neck. Two more tears fell from its eyes.
“I’m very sorry that you’re sad.”
“I’m sorry that I’m sad too.”
“Do you want to…go back home?”
“I don’t know…I guess not…not now.”
“Well…I don’t know what to do for you or where to hide you.”
“I just KNOW somebody is going to see me and try to…” More tears fell.
“Well…I’ve got an idea. We’ll ask my Daddy what to do. He’s very smart and he likes horses…ah well…I’m sure he’d like Unicorns too…and…”
“NO! Adults don’t understand about Unicorns…not at all…you can’t tell him about me!”
“Don’t worry…my Daddy is different…he WILL understand and know exactly what to do…I’m sure!”
‘Oh my…I’m not so sure…I haven’t had a whole lot of luck with adults so far…”
“JENNY…JENNY…it’s time for dinner….”
“Oh…That’s him…. my Daddy…please don’t be afraid!”
“Oh…There you are….WHAT???….Jenny whose pony is …a PINK pony???”
“Daddy…this is a scared and lost….Unicorn that needs to hide from some mean city people that tried to get him!”
“A UNICORN…I thought…they were just…a REAL UNICORN???”
“Yes Daddy…see his horn?” Then she whispered….”…he’s very scared.”
“Ah…well…what should we…what CAN we do with him…it…whatever?”
“We have to hide him…make him look like a pony. Maybe Miss Stephanie at Wild Horses Farms riding school could hide him for us.”
“It’s a UNICORN Jenny…and a PINK one at that!”
“Oh Daddy think of something please!”
“We can’t take him home…but…wait…I’ve got an idea…ah…just wait here…both of you!”
Jenny’s father left and the Unicorn said “He…seems…nice and all…but he’s still an adult and I…”
“Don’t worry…he’ll help us…I’m sure of it!”
After a few minutes Jenny’s Daddy came back with an old straw hat and a can of gray spray paint.
“Here Jenny…put this hat over his horn and I’ll spray the pinkest parts of him and he’ll look like a gray pony and we’ll take him over to Miss Stephanie and see if we can make her understand…although I’m not sure I actually do…well anyway…let’s do it!”
Jenny and her Daddy sprayed the Unicorn and as they did, the Unicorn said…”That tickles!”
“Yeah…maybe it does…but it’s better than crying!” The Unicorn had to agree to that!
When they had finished, Jenny put the straw hat on the Unicorn’s head and completed the camoflage. The pink Unicorn looked just like any gray pony with a silly straw hat on its head.
“What do you think Jenny?”

“Yeah Daddy…it’s great!”

‘Let’s get him over to the horse farm and see if we can make Miss Stephanie understand.”

The three of them walked over to the stables creating some stares and snickers from the few folks that saw them but they finally got to Wild Horses Farms.

“What have we here?” Miss Stephanie met the trio at the gate.

“It’s a kinda strange story Miss Stephanie…may we all come in…we’d like to board our…ah…pony?” asked Jenny’s father.

“My what a cute pony you have there. Sure come on in…I think I have just the perfect companion for your…ah…pony!”

Jenny and her father breathed a sigh of relief but then started to wonder how they would tell Miss Stephanie that their …ah…pony…was really a Unicorn. Miss Stephanie led them all back to a small stable in the very rear of the property far away from the road, with its own pasture, trough  and bales of hay.

“This is very nice back here Miss Stephanie.” said Jenny.

“Yes Jenny…I think it will be the perfect place to keep your…UNICORN!”

Jenny, her Daddy and even the Unicorn were stunned! “H-How did you know…that…our pony…”

Miss Stephanie opened the narrow stable door and there, its head down in the hay eating, was a very pink…very horned… Unicorn!

Then Jenny’s Unicorn  smiled and nodded at the other Unicorn and as Miss Stephanie took Jenny’s Unicorn’s hat off she said “I thought mine was the last Unicorn…I’ve had her since I was eight years old!”

“It may take a while for the gray paint to wear off Jenny, but I think they’ll both be very happy here…and you can come and visit anytime you wish!”

“Oh thank you Miss Stephanie, and Daddy…I can tell my Unicorn is happy now…he’s not crying anymore and I think…yes I’m sure…he’s smiling.”

Jenny’s Unicorn went over and put his head down next to the other Unicorn and began to eat some hay too.

And ever since that day…Jenny has visited with her happy Unicorn and gotten to know Miss Stephanie’s Unicorn too. And no one else in the whole world knew about the secret Unicorns and that’s the way Jenny, Daddy and Miss Stephanie wanted it…not to mention the two Unicorns…neither of which was thankfully, the Last Unicorn!

“OK who’s next?”
The basketball coach heard two grunts coming from somewhere behind the lineup of hopeful Junior Varsity tryouts.
“What? Somebody have a problem…or something….?”
Then the tall front line of future players parted slightly and three foot eleven Billy Klein squeezed through….”Me coach…you didn’t let me tryout yet!”
“Ah…well…this is the tryouts for the JV “BASKETBALL” team…were you looking for the….soccer tryouts maybe?”
“No…I wanna play JV Basketball and get my school letter and sew it on my sweater so everyone knows that I made….”
The coach interrupted “Ah…let’s get serious ah…what’s your name….?”
“Ah….Billy…Smith….Sir…I know I’m a bit …well…more compact than these guys but just….”
“Listen…Billy Smith…I don’t get much time to use the gym….sorry! Anyhow I’m pretty sure I’ve already selected the players for this season…go see coach Martin about soccer.”
Then the coach blew the whistle and yelled…”OK men hit the showers!” The “team” dispersed quickly leaving Billy all alone in the center of the court.
He felt like crying but then just as he turned to leave the Gym in a state of depression he spotted a basketball in the far corner. He went over and picked up the ball and looked at it…then looking at the basket which was 30 feet away, Billy set his feet squarely and with both hands launched the ball…mostly in utter dispair because he didn’t get a chance to even try out!
“Swish!!!” The ball went straight into the basket…all net!
“That was fun thought Billy and did it again three more times moving another step back for each successive shot.
“SWISH…SWISH…SWISH!”
Then Billy just let the ball bounce on until it rolled back into the corner and he headed for the Gym exit.
As he got to the door the basketball coach opened it and said “Congratulations Billy…you’re on the team!”

There once was a family named Bleeker
All six of them lived in a sneaker
It was a giant size
And their home they did prize
But when it rained it was a leaker

When they bought it they got a good deal
But the problems they had were quite real
When the rain started in
“Let the mopping begin!”
Mrs. Bleeker would yell from the heel

The kids thought the house was real neat
Living there was a real feat
The roof had this big hole
Staying dry the main goal
They would never give up in defeat

In summer the sneaker got hot
Air conditioning they had not!
And you couldn’t go
Down into the toe
That room smelled bad as it got!

When the Bleekers grew up, moved away
The sneaker began to decay
It was torn down
And they built on that ground
A new high heeled pump that was gray!

Little Billy Johnson needed a pair of new shoes. Billy often needed them because his feet would sweat like a waterfall and not just in the summertime, although it WAS worse then. Billy’s Mom always supplied him with a large shaker topped bottle of talcum powder to absorb the wetness and hopefully prevent unpleasant orders emitting from those extremities of Billy’s anatomy.
Since he lived in a small town, Mr. Ned’s Shoe Store and Emporium was within walking distance of Billy’s home. Well, actually EVERYTHING was within walking distance in Corner’s Bluff.
So after a good shower and after slipping on clean white socks Billy talcum powdered the interior of his old pitiful looking shoes. A light dusting just wouldn’t do for these worn out Weejuns since Mr. Ned’s nose was going to be closer than any nose should be to Billy’s “Straight into the trash!” shoes. Billy removed the shaker top and poured a generous amount of neutralizing talc into each shoe. “That outta do it!”…Billy thought, after more than half of the container was poured rather equally into the left then the right shoe.
Billy put on his gray T shirt and his new black jeans and then stepped into his shoes for the last time. As Billy stepped into each of them, a small burst of powder pouffed up the outsides of each shoe and onto the cuff of his jeans leaving a ghostly white tracing that looked like a Strato-cumulus cloud, which Billy was studying about in fifth grade.
“COOL!” thought Billy and he left the house headed for the shoe store.
Billy wore shoes out so often that his parents had an account at Mr. Ned’s and as Billy walked down Main Street onlookers were pointing at him and chuckling to each other. When Billy looked down at his shoes he saw that the bottom of his pants were almost completely white and each step generated another cumulus display spurting from the sides of each shoe.
By the time he arrived at his destination a crowd had formed to watch his volcanic shoe displays and Billy quickly slipped into the sanctity of the shoe store!
“Ah…Hi there…Billy…” Mr. Ned tried his best not to laugh at Billy’s white and black jeans as Billy puffed his way to a seat.
“A new pair of Weejuns?” Mr. Ned was confirming the obvious rather than actually asking a question.
“Yes Sir…Cordovan!”
Mr. Ned removed the right shoe first and a puff of talc rose into the air, the proprietor turning his head away from the white storm.
Then as Mr. Ned held the shoe as far from his nose as his arm would reach, using only the very tips of his fingers, a cascade of worn talc poured out and formed a pointed pile on the carpeted floor.
The Emporium owner repeated the same procedure with the left shoe. Looking at the two equal piles of talc that had formed on the floor in front of Billy Mr. Ned said…”I’ll get to those later.” Then holding both shoes as delicately as possible Mr. Ned carried them to the wastebasket and dropped them straight down and in!
After fitting Billy with a brand new pair of Cordovan Weejuns Mr. Ned said “OK Billy…I think that does it!”
“Thanks Sir …and could you add one more thing to the bill?”
“What’s that Billy?”
“A new bottle of talc…we’re out!”

Of course I can’t remember when I was just an idea in the creative brain of my author. I’m fairly certain that I am far from the first book thought that was had, but I’m grateful for the creation and pursuit.
In fact, my first memory was when I was about fifty-five pages old and my protagonist had just been taken into custody by the police.
I had to keep reminding myself that I was FICTION and not to worry because there were probably hundreds of more pages to go to straighten everything out.
But I DO have story friends that didn’t have hundreds of pages and wound up bound along with others of their kind into a book of many short stories. But I digress.
I’m going to let you in on a secret here, I really wasn’t fond of my main character during those early pages but I’m just the book and have no control over the story that I am forced to tell.
I must also interject here. There are good authors and some not so good authors and we books can’t choose our creators but I am fortunate because I was lucky to have been given a good one.
When I was about ninety-seven pages long it seemed like ages before I turned the page onto ninety-eight. But I found out later that it is not uncommon to go through that as a young book and I went through those sort of stages many times until I was finished.
As I added pages I also added many literary characters and plots and subplots and I actually got quite confused myself as to who I actually was and where I was headed.

Just between us, I had a bit of wavering faith in my author many times but always was happy that at least I was not one of those SciFi books. They never seemed quite right to me even though there are a few near me on this bookshelf so I shouldn’t make too much of it here.
Things were going along smoothly until page two hundred and
Seven, Chapter ten.
My hero, main character, protagonist… died! My author
“Killed Him Off!” I was not ready for that, I must tell you.
Of course, I found out why my author did that and it made sense to me by the end.
And by the way “The End” is just the beginning for a book. I mean it is actually when you graduate and go out into the world to entertain the readers that will hold you and caress you and yes, also sometimes dog ear you or spill coffee on your pages or worst of all, make notes in your margins!

Which brings me to the modern challenge of E Books. Well, I don’t mean to sound aloof but does anyone really think that holding an electronic device is really preferable to a hardbound book with its tactile luxury and even library aroma?
The jury is still out on that I guess and I am a bit one sided on that thinking.
But the reason I asked you to listen to my story today, other than making my case for traditional printed and bound books is that I am so proud.
I am announcing today that have a new just born, ah first printing I should say…SEQUEL!
I’m saving a place on my bookshelf for it right next to me.
So in the meantime, keep reading and going to bookstores and library’s and enjoy real books and stories just like mine!

A hummingbird was humming around

Making his smooth humming sound

While the canary was singing

Dulcet tones his throat bringing

Neither aware that the other’s around

Then the hummingbird sat on a limb

And the canary looked over at him

“Pardon me Chum Aren’t you the guy that can hum?”

“Yes and you’re the bird that sings on a whim!”

The canary felt somewhat dumb

Admitting that he wished he could hum

“Well I have no choice

I’ve no singing voice…

Oh I wish that I could sing some!”

“I’ll teach you to hum if you teach me to sing”

“Yes think of the joy we could both bring!”

So they each gave some lessons

But ended confessin’

That neither had learned anything!

“I guess I must do and I guess you must too…

Be happy for the talent we’ve got”

“So I’ll sing in the Spring”…

“And I’ll hum everything”…

“Can we be someone else?

I guess not!”